I've been avoiding this. I've been avoiding this for months. There is accountability with blogging. Once people start hearing your heart, they usually want to know more. That's a scary thing for me. I can count on one hand all the people in my life that I feel like truly know me. I don't open up to many people at all. I'm just a people pleaser, you see. I like to know that everything I say and do is alright and okay for everyone. With blogging though, sometimes that's just not the case, however, and when it comes to matters of faith and God there is always someone who is going to be offended or question a stance you might take. Throw all of that in to this thing called life and you've got yourself a recipe for controversy. But, what you also have is the perfect opportunity for encouragement and accountability. Those who read now have the opportunity to pray specific prayers for you. I forget how powerful a thing blogging really can be. A facebook status update or tweet here and there might let those who love you have a brief peak into your life every now and then, but I wonder what a blog entry (or in my case, a novel) every few days might do for the Kingdom. I wonder that by sharing my thoughts, prayers, and struggles with those that I love, I might not only be opening myself up for encouragement and prayer, but also, I might be able to encourage someone else. Hmmm.
I tend to be someone that focuses on the negative. As much as I hate to admit it, a majority of my days are spent viewing the world through a 'glass is half empty' kind of lense. I have shied away from blogging since my return from Cape Town for many reasons; fear being at the top of the list. Fear that what I learned there- what I am learning now- will be something that I am unable to adequately convey or might be met with criticism from time to time. BUT in this new year-2011, I am setting aside my fears (or at least trying my best to.) I am going to write songs. I am going to blog when I want to and I am going to say what I want to. I am going to learn how to play the guitar if it kills me. I am going to tell everyone that asks me what I want to do with my life that I want to be a worship leader- because, guess what, that's what I want to do, and dang it, I am going to do it. God has made it so clear that this is my calling. I'm not going to run from it anymore. The word 'fear' is slowly making its way out of my vocabulary. I hope you don't mind reading along with my struggles this year as I face them. This semester has been both exciting and scary already, and I'm only a week into school.
Last night, a dear friend called to tell me to read a prayer from one of my favorite books, Valley of Vision. If she only knew how fitting it was:
With the Holy Spirit leading the way, I can do this. I am 21. I am a grown up. I can. do. this.
Ready.
Set.
Go.
Thou God of my end,
Thou has given me a fixed dispositions
to go forth and spend my life for thee;
If it be thy will let me proceed in it;
if not, then revoke my intentions.
All I want in life is such circumstances
as may best enable me to serve thee in the world;
To this end I leave all my concerns in thy hand,
but let me not be discouraged,
for this hinders my spiritual fervency;
enable me to undertake some task for thee,
for this refreshes and animates my soul,
so that I could endure all hardships and labuours,
an willingly suffer for thy name.
But, O what a death it is to strive and labour,
to be always in a hurry and yet do nothing!
Alas, time flies and i am of little use.
O that I could be a flame of fire in thy service,
always burning out in one continual blaze.
Fit me for singular usefulness in this world.
Fit me to exult (glory) in destresses of every kind
if they but promote the advancement of thy kingdom.
Fir me to quit all hopes of the world's friendship,
and give me a deeper sense of my sinfulness.
Fit me to accept as just desert from thee
any trial that may befall me
Fit me to be totally resigned to the denial of pleasures I desire,
an to be content to spend my time with thee.
Fit me to pray with a sense of the joy of divine communion,
to find all times happy season to my soul,
to see my own nothingness
and wonder that I am allowed to serve thee.
Fit me to enter the blessed world where no unclean thing is,
and to know thee with me always.
